MCKEON TAKES CHARGE

'Trader' Jack McKeon, the 79-year-old Special Advisor to the St. Francis Friars ballclub, was essentially given full-time duties by Brother Johann and the rest of the Friars Board of Directors in a top-secret meeting late Friday, following the club's fifth loss in their last six games dropped them four games under .500 and increasingly out of contention in the Central Division.

McKeon's response? "Kill them all," said the cigar-chomping baseball lifer, "if they can't help us get better. There are no untouchables in my world, and with plenty of payroll to spare, there is no player in the league I'm not willing to touch to make the right deals happen!"

To show that McKeon means business, he personally fired manager Felipe Alou, who had been brought in with the original management team but had shown little willingness to work with the club's young players despite a solid reputation of building careers with the Expos. "I have a lot of respect for Felipe, but in this business, we're all hired to be fired," McKeon said by way of not providing an explanation. McKeon indicated that third-base coach Mark Loretta would serve as interim manager until another could be found.