"TRADER" JACK...ALL THE WAY BACK!

There is an amusing benediction of sorts, for which any real baseball fan can appreciate the irony: "May you live in interesting times."

So it was that in late June, the St. Francis Friars confirmed that Jack McKeon, who had been serving as defacto GM for the organization, was named not only acting GM, but (in an interesting arrangement) the club's "co-field manager". As part of his increased responsibilities, McKeon will receive no additional salary but, as he assured reporters, "I will be getting an allowance for any additional Havanas I have to light up."


McKeon wasted no time in shaking things up, engaging in the rare 'Challenge Trade' with a team in his own division. Frustrated with the slow learning curve of Pedro Alvarez, "Trader" Jack dealt the second player selected in the 2008 amateur draft to division rival Philadelphia, along with minor-league OF Blake Smith.

In return, the Rebels somewhat curiously parted with a starting pitcher, RHP Ricky Nolasco (2-5, 5.60 in nine starts with the Rebels). Alvarez, attempting to earn playing time with the Friars, had found his route blocked by a pair of versatile (and productive) new starters, 3B/1B Kevin Youkilis and 3B/OF Jose Bautista.

With Youkilis hitting .335 with a league-leading 60 runs scored, and Bautista lead all of BARB with 19 HR, Alvarez found himself riding the bench. The rookie had gone 3-for-12 in brief duty before being sidelined by a minor injury.

"We don't think the kid's ready," said McKeon bluntly. "He's still a work in progress, swings at too many pitcher's pitches when he doesn't have to, still airmails throws on routine plays. He's got a guaranteed major-league contract ready to kick in, though, and it would be hard on the kid to have him up here and basically warm the pine. So, we think this is the best thing for him. He'll go to an organization where the player in front of him---A-Rod----is getting long in the tooth and will likely spend a lot of time in the future as a DH. We think a lot of him, and he's obviously the most talented player in this deal. But you can't make an egg without breaking a few omelettes."

"The big question is," McKeon continued, "is whether getting Nolasco, who has struggled, is going to help us. The sense I get is that Philadelphia thinks he won't help us all that much, because he's underachieved with them, and they would like to clear a roster spot for some talent that they see over the horizon. It's an unusual situation, dealing with a division rival. I asked GM Melkonian whether or not he understood that I was trying to steal his lunch money---which I am----and whether or not it made sense to basically sit down in the cafeteria and have lunch with me. Well, he has a different perspective, in which his organization has the pitching depth to make this deal. So, you know, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. We think having Nolasco helps us, even if he doesn't put up especially good numbers, because he is a young, affordable starting pitcher who can pile up K's in short stretches. If it doesn't work out with him in the rotation, perhaps he can fill a long relief role and we can give Correia more work. The bottom line is that we've had a lot of injuries to our pitching staff, and getting any arm at this point gives us a little breathing room. We'll know more about this trade by August."

PATIENT FRIARS STILL LOOKING TO UPGRADE

Finding themselves four games above .500 (17-13) as May wound to a close, the St. Francis Friars mulled various possible moves as they attempt to make the transition from division doormat to contender!

Offense is not an issue: new additions like 1B Paul Konerko, 1B/3B Kevin Youkilis and 3B/OF Jose Bautista had provided improved pop, the team is strong up-the-middle defensively, and the bench (Neil Walker, Felix Pie, Jason Varitek, Juan Uribe) has already contributed.

Pitching, on the other hand, shows signs of strain. Season-ending injuries (Jorge De La Rosa, Joel Zumaya, Dallas Braden) to several hurlers have put pressures on the entire pitching staff, but especially on a rotation that was already regarded as more workmanlike than stellar.

"Every club needs pitching, even if they say they don't," claimed acting GM "Trader Jack" McKeon. "The question is, do we want to make a deal now, or should we wait until there are more 'sellers' on the market, and hope the price for a veteran starter comes down? There are arguments to be made on both sides of that equation."

Part of the caution stems from the realization that LHP Zach Britton appears ready to contribute to the rotation now, while another pair of prospects (Randall Delgado, Mike Montgomery) seem likely to earn callups in August, potentially bolstering the roster again. There is also the versatile Kevin Correia, back at AAA, but available to make a spot start or even move into the rotation should St. Francis lose another veteran to injury.

The recent actions of division rivals may be urging against caution, however. On the one hand, the willingness of division rival Philadelphia to make a bold move to acquire another starter (Shawn Marcum) from last year's Central Division winner (Casselton) further leverages that club's perceived advantage in the starting rotation....but at the cost of helping the Horned Toads pick up some quality bats (Carlos Beltran, Curtis Granderson, Asdrubal Cabrera, Scott Rolen) who will presumably bring Landon Bolt's underachieving club back to the middle of the pack, offensively.

"Bottom line: our rivals in the division aren't sitting on their hands," said a cigar-chomping McKeon. They aren't going to let us run away with anything. So we are open to dealing prospects to acquire pitching."

CLUB RELEASES ZUMAYA, DORRELL

In a surprising move, the Friars have released oft-injured RHP Joel Zumaya and stymied minor-league batting prospect Wes Dorrell, moves that will cost them nearly $2 million on the open market.

Zumaya has an electric arm that can touch triple digits when healthy, but has always been more of a thrower than a pitcher. His latest bout on the disabled list convinced management that even if healthy sometime this season, he was unlikely to do much of anything other than take up a roster spot for a more durable hurler.

As for Dorrell, once a coveted college bat, insiders speculate that he may have lost the desire to compete at a higher level. "We've heard retirement talk," said one family member, "and we don't see anything about his recent performance to lead us he was going to do anything but quit chasing the dream. We thought the organization should know."

Management hinted that the struggles of the injured Brandon Lyon could also mean that the club's "franchise pitcher" tag was premature, and that the versatile swing man could face release rather than guaranteeing a $4 million salary in 2012.

FRIARS READY TO COMPETE

"So," said new player-manager Jason Varitek with a smile, "Things just got more interesting."

He was referring to the blockbuster series of moves from division rival Arizona, which has bolstered its rotation to elite status by adding Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee and Matt Garza. "They are clearly in a go-for-it, win-now mentality," commented Varitek, "because they moved most of their good young arms in order to get these guys. Latos, Hanson, Bailey, Shields and a bunch of picks."

"Well, we are also attempting to win now," said Varitek. "We think we have a solid group of veterans in our rotation, and we think our bullpen is much improved. We don't have Casselton's outfield. We don't have the star power that's in Arizona right now. We don't have as many young players ready to contribute out of spring training as Los Angeles. What we do have, however, is a good balance throughout.

REMAKING THE FRIARS

For immediate release:

"Trader Jack" McKeon, acting GM of the St. Francis Friars, unleashed a flurry of short press releases that augured significant changes for a club that finished 71-81, ten games below .500 and the fourth-worst record in the league:

LEO NUNEZ ADDED TO TEAM, WILL COMPETE FOR CLOSER'S SPOT

McKeon confirmed that RHP Leo Nunez, who spent most of 2010 languishing in Arizona's minor-league system, was added to the club's roster. Nunez compiled a 9.56 ERA in 15 games with the Thunder last season, and was the proverbial "player to be named" in a late-season trade that sent RHP Gavin Floyd to Arizona.

Nunez, who has proven in the past that he can collect 30 or more saves in a season, will compete with RHP Francisco Cordero (1-2, 3.21 ERA and 6 saves) and former closer Frank Francisco (2-5, 5.47, 15 saves) for the role of St. Francis's closer in 2011. But to open that roster spot.....

"EL CABALLO" RELEASED

Carlos Lee, a former Oakland United star making nearly $10 million a year, has been granted his unconditional release by the Friars, which acquired him in a mid-season deal for versatile utility man Ben Zobrist. Lee hit .299 in limited duty for Oakland before being traded to St. Francis last season, and hit .261 overall with 6 HR and 25 RBI in 176 at-bats.

Pretty decent production, but as McKeon explained, this was irrelevant. Lee's usefulness in the trade was to facilitate a deal with a club that had too much salary. "When I helped set up these rosters last spring," McKeon remarked, "I left lots of cap room to either assume salary in trade, or else eat contracts. Unlike some of the other clubs, which had very little wiggle on their cap, I didn't care much about Mr. Lee's contract at the time, and that allowed us to add some pretty fair prospects in the deal."

"But now," McKeon concluded with a smile, "I'm afraid we have no interest in paying a plodding outfielder better suited to first base over $18 million a year, who is coming off his least productive year ever. He's been a talented guy...would you believe he was a minor-league third baseman, with a throwing arm that was at one point described as the best in all of baseball by some scouts? But now, he's just a bat, and not a good enough bat to justify the salary. The Friars are going to let someone else ride 'El Caballo'. That means 'horse', by the way."

VARITEK, SIEGEL MAKE HISTORY

Another mid-season acquisition, veteran C Jason Varitek, has been named the first player-manager in BARB history. Varitek won high marks for his leadership after being acquired in a mid-season deal with the Pottsylvania Creepers, and hit .368 in 22 games, often off the bench. "We see Jason as someone that players respect and will play hard for," said McKeon. "We don't expect that he'll hit .368 or even .268 again. That's not the way we assess his value. We see him as being a great role model for our young catchers (J.P. Areceibia, Jesus Montero and Tony Sanchez), and a voice of authority for our young pitchers (Kyle Drabek, Zack Britton, Shelby Miller). As a switch-hitter, he provides interesting options for us late in a ballgame, but we we also plan on keeping both Pyrzinski and Barajas, giving us three catchers, so that we won't work Jason too much.

In another unprecedented move, McKeon has hired Justine Siegel, the first woman to coach professional baseball. She will become the first woman coach in BARB history, and the first woman to be prominently associated with a BARB team since the ill-fated Anna Benson helped run the Darwin Finches. Siegel will pitch BP and run conditioning drills for pitchers as assistant bench coach, and will travel with the team. "It's a new era," said McKeon. "The kid can do the job I've asked her to do, and she's a good role model on how to positively push for change without rubbing people the wrong way. Also, it makes some of the padres here nervous, and that's a plus for me. I have to keep them on their toes."

THE BLOODLETTING CONTINUES

Rubbing his nicotine-stained fingers together with glee, GM-in-all-but-name Jack McKeon gave a brief press conference outlining his thoughts on a second day with a major trade, as the St. Francis Friars have traded C Benji Molina, minor-league free agent Fausto Carmona and a player to be named to the Pottsylvania Creepers.

Just days after using utility man Ben Zobrist to land Carlos Lee and some prospects, McKeon explained the linkage between recent moves.

"We knew," McKeon drawled, "that our most attractive piece to most teams early in the season was Ben Zobrist. What we didn't know is that he would hit 16 HR for us in the first half, and really become something of legend in these parts. That made trading him unpleasant, but the logic is pretty simple. While the club is improved over the one that broke spring training back in 2009, it simply doesn't have the pitching depth to compete with some other clubs even if we were to somehow reach the post-season....extremely unlikely, in my judgement, once we lost Shin-Soo Choo."

"So....we would need to move Ben in order to build for the future," McKeon said, waving his hands, and pointing to an imaginary cloud formation with his still simmering stogie. "But, if we did that, we would be losing some run production and versatility in the middle of the infield...in fact, quite a bit. So we had to have a deal in place to bring in someone who could offer some pop and play a middle infield spot. This led us to move a good young pitcher (Jason Vargas) to Madtown and pick up a couple of possible prospects at the same time as we got 2B Kelly Johnson."

"We then sat on that mix for a few weeks to see if we could get things going in the Central. Once Casselton's pitching got hot, though, we could see the handwriting on the wall. We would not only have to come back against them, but also beat out the defending champs in Pottsylvania, because the way three clubs in the East are playing, one of them would get the wild card. It's division or bust....and so, we folded. Having Johnson allowed us to move Ben, and collect some futures along with Carlos Lee, and we're going to give 'El Caballo' 4-5 weeks to see how he fits into our lineup."

"Meanwhile," continued McKeon, "acquiring minor-league C Tony Sanchez really boosts our catching depth at a time when both Taylor Teagarden and J.P Arencibia are ready to assume backup roles on the parent roster. That made it possible to dangle a healthy--but not entirely happy----Benji Molina. Benji wants to play full-time, and when he had to share time, he becomes, well, peevish. So it made great sense for us to offer him to Pottsylvania as part of a package that would allow us to get a veteran with the leadership we craved, in Jason Varitek. Chad Tracy was rotting away on the Creepers bench, and he gives us back some of the versatility we lost with Zobrist, as he has a left-handed bat, and can play either the IF or OF corners in a pinch. Finally, we added some more hopefuls in the future with SS Grant Green and LHP Zach Britton."

"I'm done at the moment," McKeon said, but his eyes twinkled. "Never say never, but we'll see where we're at. If players produce, fine....if not....well, there are other avenues for teams that still have cap room, and we can explore them at that time."

MCKEON TRADES TEAM FAVORITE

With fans bearing 'Zorilla' placards lining up outside the parking lot, an impromptu rally bashing the latest move from the St. Francis Friars threatened to destroy the monastic setting of the ball club's headquarters. A man with a megaphone, later identified as a local pastor, was leading a mob in the making, chanting:

"PLEASE DE-SIST! KEEP ZO-BRIST!"
"PLEASE DE-SIST! KEEP ZO-BRIST!"
"PLEASE DE-SIST! KEEP ZO-BRIST!"

Within the Friars complex, septuagenarian baseball legend Jack McKeon was as tranquil as the team Chairman, Brother Johann, was tense. Savoring a new cigar, McKeon remarked to his nominal boss, "Settle down, Padre. I've been through this one a zillion times. I've traded players a lot more popular than Zobrist, and the fans come back as long as they believe you're on the path."

Peering through the curtains, the nervous Brother Johann, "I hope you are right. We are giving you full authority to make the moves as you see fit, because we are not---ach! baseball men!" This last was accompanied by a wince, as something thrown from the parking lot landed in the rain gutters.

"Damn guttersnipes!" barked McKeon, leaning backward and throwing open the window. "Hey!" he yelled at the crowd. "SAY BYE TO ZO-BRIST! I HOPE YOU GET A CYST! AND I DATED YOUR SIS!" McKeon slammed the window shut with a chuckle as even more alarming sounds percolated from the parking lot.

"Please, Please, Mr. Jack!" said the exasperated Head Friar. "After all, a soft word turns away wrath, as it is said in Proverbs."

"Yeah?" barked McKeon. "What about Phillipians? 'Whatever thou doest, do with all thy might!' For a guy who heads a renegade order of monks, you seem to have little faith. Now, I know that Ben Zobrist is a good player, and he's very versatile. But, we've traded him to Oakland United, a club at the bottom of another division, so he's unlikely to do much damage against us any time soon. Yes, he had 16 dongs for us, and was hitting OK, and playing all over the field. But we just don't have enough pitching or overall depth to do much more than play .500, and when Shin Soo-Choo went down, we went down."

"But....," and here the monk hesitated before wailing, "$9 million? NINE MILLION? And, maybe $18 million next year?"

McKeon's eyes twinkled. "You mean the salary of Mr. Carlos Lee, our new left fielder...or maybe first baseman....or maybe designated hitter?"

The Head Friar shook his head vigorously.

"Look, Padre," McKeon said patiently, "In BARB, we are guaranteed sufficient revenues as long as we don't exceed our salary cap due to the league's highly-favorable local media markets. So we are in no danger of losing money. What we are in danger of is losing an opportunity to move up. When I helped set up these rosters in the spring, I left lots of cap room to either assume salary in trade, or else eat contracts. Unlike some of the other clubs, which have very little wiggle on their cap, I don't care much about Mr. Lee's contract."

"It would be nice," McKeon continued, "if Lee returns to form and belts 15 bombs or so out in the second half, but even if he did we are not going to pay 'El Caballo' $18 million. He needs to hit right away for us if he wants to even stay on our roster. He was just the inducement to pick up prospects that Oakland was willing to deal...."

The Head Friar brightened, even though sounds like firecrackers and the wail of police sirens could be heard leaking through the office walls. "Can you tell me about them?"

"Sure," McKeon says. "We picked up three first-round picks: RHP Matt Hobgood, OF Donavan Tate and C Tony Sanchez...and the best part is, they are all hurt!"

"WHAT?" Brother Johann was now in full-blown panic mode. "INJURED? WHY, MAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?"

McKeon cackled. "These injuries are just the kind of things I look for. RHP Matt Hobgood's a teenager with too much baby fat, and wears braces, and he strained a muscle covering first base. Poor Widdle Matty! 'Oh, Lordy, what will the Orioles do?' People panic. You're talking about a kid who can't buy a beer legally, in his first season as a pro. He's not going to excel, in all likelihood, right out of the box, and right now he's a good fit for us as a long-term project. I see him as a #3 starter for sure. OF Donovan Tate tore some muscle in his groin area in an ATV accident over the winter. Like that's going to happen again? He's still the best overall athlete from last year's draft. I like our chances. And C Tony Sanchez, he's a comer. He's got some hairline fractures in his jaw, and may not play the rest of this year? Listen, I've been around this game, and I know you don't hit with your jaw or catch with your jaw. It's not going to have any long-term impact on a guy who would've been up in the big leagues with just a few months of pro experience this year, I can tell you that."

"So," concluded Brother Johann with a doubtful look, "An $18 million reclamation project that you may move to first, and three minor-leaguers who've had setbacks this year, for our team's most popular player, not to mention home-run leader?"

McKeon beamed. "Now you're getting it! They don't call me 'Trader Jack' for nothing! I've been looking for something to do with my time, and I've found it!"



The Head Friar sank into a velvet chair, and feverishly clicked his rosary while the smell of McKeon's cigar wafted through the office.

MCKEON TAKES CHARGE

'Trader' Jack McKeon, the 79-year-old Special Advisor to the St. Francis Friars ballclub, was essentially given full-time duties by Brother Johann and the rest of the Friars Board of Directors in a top-secret meeting late Friday, following the club's fifth loss in their last six games dropped them four games under .500 and increasingly out of contention in the Central Division.

McKeon's response? "Kill them all," said the cigar-chomping baseball lifer, "if they can't help us get better. There are no untouchables in my world, and with plenty of payroll to spare, there is no player in the league I'm not willing to touch to make the right deals happen!"

To show that McKeon means business, he personally fired manager Felipe Alou, who had been brought in with the original management team but had shown little willingness to work with the club's young players despite a solid reputation of building careers with the Expos. "I have a lot of respect for Felipe, but in this business, we're all hired to be fired," McKeon said by way of not providing an explanation. McKeon indicated that third-base coach Mark Loretta would serve as interim manager until another could be found.